Emotional on my 27th Birthday Eve....

I ni promote birthday diri sendiri on the WWW, sbbnya bukan apa, kat blog aku sendiri..yg i'm pretty sure aku sendiri je yg baca...

I ni, tulah sebab semenjak 2 menjak ni kan , since beginning 0f 2011, i've been thinking a lot about which path i wanna take for the rest of my life..

 i dah sebut b4 this yg i wanna leave the clinical world...Alhamdulillah i dah ada medical degree, but i'm finding it's not for me. Altho byk org kata i have the characters yg a good doctor should have, yg lacking in a lot of docs today...tapi klu i x dapat spend time and berbakti for my family buat apa?..

to be a good doc, u have to constantly work hard, in and out of work. i ni, dahla half my life have been away from my family, pastu nanti balik Msia pun kena memencilkan diri lagi ke? Ye la klu i sambung klinikal, bila nya masa balik rumah? Klu balik rumah pun kena menyendiri baca buku medic.

As i have said before, i tak nafikan doktor ni kerja yg mulia...tapi i serahkan la kpd org2 yg ada gift of the gab; yg otak2 geliga tu, yg baca sekali boleh ingat sampai mati(i dont mean to be sarcastic)

Anyway, i rasa terpanggil utk beralih angin kpd kerja2 yg bolehkan i spend time with my family, berbakti kpd mereka. They have sacrificed sooo much...I always feel so guilty when i don't do well. It's not that i haven't done my best, mungkin belum rezeki.

Tu la nya, the next best thing, i nak jadi lecturer. Dgrnya gaji pun kurang lumayan. Tapi, takpelah asalkan halal. And i can be there for my parents through thick and thin.

I sedih sgt hartu, ada sorang kakak doc Msia yg tgh specialise kat sini, mak dia kena strok kat Msia..Insiden2 camnilah yg make i always think, whats the point? When u r not there when yr family needs u the most? Klu jadi doktor tu, as i said, over-worked, under-paid, no family time..

Tapi, i still respect org2 yg teruskan jadi dokor I give full support.

Kdg2 terpikir jugak bila i tua nanti, mbe i akan jealous dgn kawan2 i yg dah jadi Consultant, earning big bucks working in the private sector...

Itulah, haritu ada sorang Reg yg also bukan from UK tny apa plan i lepas habis UK housemanship, i kata i nak balik Msia, nak jadi lecturer non-clinical pulak tu...Dia kata, then, what r u still doing here?..Heheh...apalagi wasting my time la....sbb segala yg i buat now ni kan klinikal...apakah relevannya dgn cita2 baru i?

So, sbb i emotional 1 hari sebelum i become 27 ialah....sedih, for the gazillionth time i'll be spending my birthday without my family..Tahun ni i cuti, Likelihoodnya i pgi town kot tgk org tgk aku...hehe(sarcastic lagi aku ni, ye la, kat sini kan org pakai tudung endangered species...hehe)

Menambah sebak ialah i terpikir, pengorbanan i past 7 years away from home, last2 i decide tak nak jadi doktor klinikal..7 TAHUN masa terbuang, i could have spent with my family...the things i've missed; family gatherings, occassions, pernah my mum masuk hospital sat (ni nak nangis ni)..

Takpelah..semua yg berlaku ada hikmah di sebaliknya...

I think my parents sedih jugak kot yg i tak nak continue clinical..tapi, bila pikirkan if i do continue, sape nak hantar i pegi balik hospital during odd hour shifts, ensure my safety...klu dapat hospital jauh lagi...dulu masa buat elektif pun dah cukup susah...

Ntahla, I pun tak tau...tapi hati ni 9/10 pasti no more clinical world the minute i finish my work here in the UK. I dah habis tenaga-mental, psikologikal, fizikal for it..

Insya Allah, i'm really hoping i've made the right decision...

Happy 27th Birthday to myself!

(sbnarnya i tulis ni pukul 2 pagi 19 April 2011)